Jokes

[cripeman]

I just had my first coffee colonic.

The doctor put this tube in my ass and started pumping coffee into me.

I flinched.

The doctor said,"I'm sorry. Is that to hot?"

I said," No. Needs more sugar."

:D

[ILM]

Haw haw haw ahawwwwwwwwwww! (thats approval!)

[bludgeon]

ANyone in the mood for a little Q & A?


Q: What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?

A: A dildo.


Q: What do you call a girl that doesn't give head?

A: You don't.

[snapdragon]

How do you know when you have "Accelerated" to fast ???:confused:

[Twiztid]

LOL @ snapdragon

[A.J. Angel]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello"? She cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder.... But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far away: "Hello, we're down here...."

[snapdragon]

look real close;)

just somthing for all you biker out there

[liberty]

a blonde rings the fire brigade screaming " come quick, my house is alight and i'm trapped inside"
"don't worry, we'll have you out" says the fireman. "How do we get there?"
"Duh" says the blonde, " in the big fucking red truck!"
:D

[ILLIXIT]

Theres a two story house on fire with a gay man on the top floor and his lover on the bottom floor.

Which one gets out alive...? :rolleyes:








The one on the bottom already had his shit packed. :eek: :cool:

[bludgeon]

This one's kind of long but I think its worth the read:

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

[bludgeon]

One day a guy went to his best friend that he hadn't seen since high school and told him that his wife had left him for another man and their 20 year marriage was over.

The friend said, in an attempt to give comfort,"Aw man, that's rough buddy. Ya bitter?"

He replied with, "Yep, bit him too!"

[HBH]

A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida; he went to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid answered, "Yes. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but the kid got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid replied, "one".
Disappointed, the boss sighed and asked, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid answered "$121,237.65".
The boss exclaimed, "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss gasped, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
Calmly, the kid replied "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[snapdragon]

:eek: this remind's me of my day at work .....

[HBH]

OUCH!!! :eek:

[Dai]

3 blondes walk in to a building....
you'd have thoug
ht one of them woulda seen it :-D

[HBH]

The man's wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her look years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet..."

He's expected to be off his crutches in a week or two.

[snapdragon]

Where do you put the Shopping ????????

[aussie2005]

who would care about the shopping if she came with it?

[HBH]

WOW!! If you stare at that picture long enough, you can actually make out a funny car in the background!

But it takes a while...

[snapdragon]

a little something for all of you out there in cyber land who work in offices, and can not get help from your "IT" guy when the system gose down the pan.......:D
[ a handy user referance ]

[HBH]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging
her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower,
rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies."

So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew
great boobs!

One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new
boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle
of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."

[A.J. Angel]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your stuff for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[snapdragon]

hope you never park this close to your boat "HBH"!!!!!!;) :D
"WARNING" !! This Boat Has No Car Deck ......

[HBH]

hope you never park this close to your boat "HBH"!!!!!!;) :D
"WARNING" !! This Boat Has No Car Deck ......

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Don't be Silly! How do you think I get onto my boat!! :D

The touchy part is backing off...:eek:

[morat666]

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
Because it says concentrate on the label.

[aussie2005]

:D

[aussie2005]

:)

[A.J. Angel]

A woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. opening the door, she observed her
daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. please, go away and
leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what
she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. please, go
away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. she entered and observed her husband sitting
on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was
next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

[HBH]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

[HBH]

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

[HBH]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had,
and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[HBH]

I think I am the only one here... :confused:

[HBH]

A woman went to a pet shop &immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

[snapdragon]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don?t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[HBH]

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one!! :D

[HBH]

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.

All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'"And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood . Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN! :eek:

[bludgeon]

I like it! It made me lol

There's a new Gay Seafood Bar & Grill in the Tower District, yea it's called "The Salty Semen"

[HBH]

There's a new Gay Seafood Bar & Grill in the Tower District, yea it's called "The Salty Semen"YUCK!! PTOOEY!! That's NASTY!! :p

[HBH]

I apologize to those whose first language is not english! This is hilarious!!

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The 2006 winners were:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[snapdragon]

Englishman , Irishman,and a Scotsman are discussing their family, the English man says
"My son was born on St Georgs day, so i called him George", The Scotsman says " What a Coincidence My son was born on St Andrew's day so , i called him andrew".
The Irishman looks at the other "I Don't Fucking believe this !", " Wait till i tell our "PANCAKE"!!! ...........:p ;)

[snapdragon]

[Boy] Granny, have you seen my pills, there marked "LSD" !?
[Granny] Fuck them , have you seen the Dragon in the Kitchen !!!!
:)

[A.J. Angel]

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming,' and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick,' and I could hardly control myself. BUT when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I laughed out loud."

The case was dismissed.

[HBH]

:p You guys are cracking me up!! :D

[HBH]

IRISH GAS STATION
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... 'Top o' the mornin to ya'.

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. 'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.

They're called tees,' replies Tiger.

'And what would ya be usin 'em for now?' inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I'm driving,' replies Tiger.

'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims the Irish attendant. 'Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.'

[snapdragon]

"A vicar decided that a visual demontration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon on living the good life. Four worms were placed in four
separate jars. The first worm was put in a jaralcohol. The second worm
was put in a jar cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar
chocolate sauce. The fourth worm was put into a jar full of good, clean
soil At the conclusion of the sermon the vicar reported the following
results. The worm in alcohol - dead. The worm in cigarette smoke -
dead. The worm in chocolate sauce - dead. The wrom in good, clean soil
- alive. So he asked the congregation - what have you learned from this
that will help you live a healthier and better life? A lady from the back
of the church raised her hand and answered ' As long as you drink, smoke
and eat chocolate you won't have worms!'
ENJOY:) :p

[HBH]

HAHAHAHA!!!! Good one!!

[A.J. Angel]

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

[bludgeon]

There was a dad BBQing in the backyard and his 10 year old son came up and said, "Gee dad, those steaks smell pretty good. May I have one?"

The dad looked down at his young son and said,"Well I don't know boy, are you man enough to have one of these steaks? Can you touch yer dick to yer asshole?"

The little boy said in dismay,"Well gosh dad, no I dont think so."

The dad said,"Then you're not man enough for one of these steaks and you ain't getting shit."

About six years went by and the dad came home from work and smell steaks on the BBQ. He went out to the backyard and found his now 16 year old son cookin up some steaks on the BBQ.

The dad said to his son,"Well Goddamn boy them steaks smell pretty damn good, think your old man could have one?"

The son said,"Well I don't know dad, are you man enough for one of these steaks, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

The dad said,"Well ya know I can boy, I'm a man dammit."

The son said,"Well that's good dad, now go fuck yourself cause you ain't getting shit."

[HBH]

Women are so much smarter than men.
No... Women are MUCH more DEVIOUS and CRAFTY than men...;)

[snapdragon]

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[HBH]

I thought this forum went the way of the Other forum and just disappeared!! I've been saving up jokes!!

:D

Nice to have the forum back!

[snapdragon]

Womans/mans diary


WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa . Gutted. Got a shag though

:D :D :D :D lol

[snapdragon]

GREAT THINGS THAT CHILDREN SHOULD LEARN:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it’s ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is ... not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. having friends.
At age 17 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is … having money.
At age 50 success is ... having money.
At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... having friends.
At age 80 success is ... not piddling in your pants.
;)

[aussie2005]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
a virgin too, but he doesn't want her to know. On their wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want. I do anyting - juss
anyting you want.. You juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

[bludgeon]

That's lolable Ausie

[snapdragon]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze
statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's ?12 for the rat, and ?100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his ?12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,
You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun to follow him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown
to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he
Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and
they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the
pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and
were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said,
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Poof, a Croatia Football supporter supporter, and anything French!'
:D :D

[misslan]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[snapdragon]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

thats so bad it great!!!!!!:smile1:

[misslan]

thats so bad it great!!!!!!:smile1:

^_^

[snapdragon]

Bridge to Hawaii
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" :idea:

[snapdragon]

HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR PET CAT:



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position left hand forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[snapdragon]

> A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
>
> She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
>
> The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
> When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
>
> Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
> 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
> We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
>
> She hears the little boy continue,
>
> 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
> We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
>
> As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
>
> 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen

[snapdragon]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
> has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
> since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
>
> He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
>
> - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
> - Why the early bird gets the worm;
> - Life isn't always fair;
> - and maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
> more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
> are in charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
> charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
> from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
> reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
> job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
> children. It declined even further when schools were required to get
> parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student;
> but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
> to have an abortion.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
> and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
> Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
> in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
> her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was
> preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife,
> Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
>
> He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
> Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
>
>
> (taken from the London Times, written by Lesley Hannabuss)

[snapdragon]

or not

[snapdragon]

second helping anyone??:)

[snapdragon]

pudding course any body???:sick:

[snapdragon]

coffee and mints?????:confused:

[snapdragon]

a little brandy for the road , sir???:worried:

[Raven]

> A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
>
> She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
>
> The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
> When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
>
> Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
> 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
> We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
>
> She hears the little boy continue,
>
> 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
> We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
>
> As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
>
> 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen

LOL!!!!